WTF!? 2005 Sucked Ass!

Today marks the end of 2005. Through out the year there were many days I thought they just would not end. Time seemed to go by too slow; at times it even seemed like time was standing still. Yet here we are getting ready to usher in a new year. When did this year go by so fast? Hell, when did my life go by so fast?!

This past year was a year of nothing by heartache and disappointments. For me, my life took an uncertain turn March of last year, then again at the end of November. I didn’t think it could get any more complicated. I was so wrong. 2005 started off with another turn of events that affected my whole family. Things were not good, and they didn’t look good no matter how much I tried to think that everything would work its self out. It turned out that for the next 6 years my family and I were going to be tested.

The first event was to affect only me. March of 2004, just two weeks shy of our 4 year anniversary, and completely out of the blue, my boyfriend breaks up with me. For whatever reason, which I am still not certain of, he decided to push me away. Then after about four months he called me up, telling me that he missed me and blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, yes, we started hanging out together again. I say hanging out, because technically we were not back together. That lasted up until the end of November. It was a bit messy and much more painful than the previous break up. It was time to lick my wounds again and try to heal.

Here’s to 2005 being better than 2004! Nope. Wasn’t going to happen that way.

Just a little after a week into 2005 we were to find out that my uncle was in jail. After doing some investigating, what we were going to find was going to turn this family upside down. I’m not going to go into the details here. I don’t want to finally start getting comments because of the circumstances surround my uncle’s incarceration. It was wrong, very wrong, what he did. I don’t deny that in the least and neither does he. But to be sent away for 6 years when others who do intentionally what he did, only get a pretty much a slap on the wrist and a years time…well, that really pissed me off! So now because he is away my family and I are now trying to take care of all his personal business, which is complicated as all hell. Only everyone comes to me for the solutions to this family’s problems. With my mother passing them on to me to take care of. I don’t mind helping this family, but since when was I designated the head of this family?!

So now I am trying to take care of my uncle’s affairs. Well, at least I’ve got something to keep my mind quite busy and off of Mr. Love. My life is in utter disarray, but that is okay. Now let’s add Grammy to the mix of things. She’s at her wits end, or in her words, “I’m going crazy! I don’t want to live anymore.” Her baby boy is in jail and she doesn’t know what to do. I just keep trying to tell her not to worry about him, let us do that, she needs to take care of herself. We’re all just hoping that she doesn’t pass away while my uncle is in jail. She’ll be 90 in March, and her health is not in the best shape. Now to add to the mix, she is in the hospital and it doesn’t really look good. She is refusing to get up and try to walk. We are all just trying to figure out what we will have to do with her. It’s obvious that she can not live alone anymore. I feel like she is going to just give up the good fight and pass on like she keeps wishing. But I don’t want to even think about that right now. I’ll deal with that when the time comes. Time to get a power of attorney processed for her as well, and to finally get a damn Will written for her. That old woman is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met! Now I know where my mother and I get it from.

March rolls around and who do I get a phone call from? Yup, good ole Mr. Love! Like my life is not fucked up enough as it is, now he’s got to worm his way back into it again. And against my better judgment, I give him another chance. Even though I’ve got a lot of doubts going through my head and have the feeling that this is not going to work. I give him a chance anyway. That lasted a few months at best. But this time I had let go of him in my heart. As much as I loved him, I wasn’t in love with him anymore and I knew that what we had was forever gone. It sucked, but oh well. Nothing could be done about it.

September and November just brought more disappointment with Drew then David.

I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe me and men just don’t mix anymore. Maybe I should just find me a girlfriend and be done with men forever. But I’ve asked myself the question, “What do I want? What kind of life do I want?” The answer? I would just like to have a home, a husband, and a child. I want a family. It’s not like I can’t have that same kind of family with a woman, but as much as I love women as much as men, I want a husband. Yet I know my ideal of a husband that truly loves me and would never cheat on me is probably unrealistic. Maybe I’m wrong though. I’m sure there are men out there that exist that are completely faithful and completely love their wives or significant other. I’ve just yet to find one that exists for me.

I don’t want this post to sound like an ode to self pity. Quite the contrary. I just want the coming New Year to be a year of self strength, a year where I don't feel over whelmed, a year where I don’t feel so completely alone, a year where I can find myself again and to never let go of my beliefs for the sake of someone else’s.

All in all, with out the support of all my friends I probably would have gone crazy. Much love and thanks!