Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Yesterday we laid my Grammy to rest. She is finally resting next to her husband and her son.

I'm actually doing a lot better than I thought. I always thought that I would have completely fallen apart. My Grammy was so much more than just my grandmother. For the first 4 years of my life she was my mother. Over the years she became my best friend. There wasn't a single thing I wouldn't talk to my Grammy about. My mother was quite shocked to learn that I even talked to my Grammy about sex. Something my mother would never talk to her mother about. Well, it's not like she never had sex in her life. Hell, she had 4 children. But my mom was never close with her mom. A cycle that continued within this family, as I am not very close with my mom either. However, we are a lot closer than we used to be.

Even though I know that my Grammy is no longer here with me physically, I know that she is still with me. Her spirit is still very much alive and well, no longer tired. Saturday, when I last saw her, I knew then that she was ready to go and be with all of our loved ones who have passed on before her. As I was lying in bed last night, my mind had been playing over all of the events from the past week, when I suddenly saw my Grammy look up at me from her hospital bed and tell me, "Don't look so sad." I saw her and heard her as plain as if I was back in that hospital room again. At that moment I felt a calm and peace come over me. The sadness that I was feeling in my heart was replaced with all her love and I knew that my Grammy is where she was meant to be.

I've always been amazed by the gifts that loved one leave us with when they pass. The first time I really saw it was when my girl friend, Sin, mother had passed away. Sin grew up not really knowing the inner strength that she had, and when her mom passed away I was surprised to see how well she was doing. I could see her inner strength had finally been shown to her, it was the one gift that she needed and that her mother had finally given to her upon her passing. Over time I have seen that strength in her die down. She is still having a hard time coping with her mother passing. She and I have talked about her and her mom. I explained to her the gift that I had seen her mom pass on to her, she was very open to what I had told her and told me she never thought of it that way. Sometimes it takes another person to show us what we don't see. For me, it was my Grammy who shown it to me last night herself.

My Grammy has shown me that she is at peace and I know that I don't have to look very far to find her. For I know that she will always been in my heart.