I am 27, okay 37 sheesh! I've already been married and divorced by the time I was 23. What can I say, love is blind and stupid. And let me tell you, I did some pretty stupid things just to stay with him. Live and learn. And oh yes, how I did learn from that one.
I met him when I was 18, the second guy I'd ever had sex with. My first was his best friend, that was how I met him. BUT, I had known his brother since I was 16. I'd just never met him through his brother. One would live with the dad and other would live with the grandma (while the sister lived with the mom). It was through the brother that I had met my first rumble tumble. Then I met my ex-husband to be.
After that it took me a long time to see the unhealthy relationship that I was in after the ex-hubby. He was younger, I was just looking for a little fun. A little boy toy action, nothing more. I mean com'mon, I had just ended a very dysfunctional relationship with the ex. I was still mending all the mental damage I let the bastard do to me and the weight he helped me put on. I was trying to get back the "me" that I was before I let the ex abuse me with his words. I just wanted to have fun and feel good about myself again. Damnit, would ya know! I found a clinger. I let him cling on for probably for a good 4 years. 4 years! What in the hell is wrong with me!? I was so unhappy that I gained so much weight, I was at the heaviest I'd ever been. I never "noticed" because he never said anything about it. I finally noticed just how much weight I did gain when a friend of mine showed me a picture that she took of me. I hate to have my picture taken at all costs anyway as it is. That she had taken one of me in the first place irked me. Then to see this, this big, fat stranger staring back at me hit me like a ton of bricks. Made me feel like I weighed like ton of bricks too. Soon after, I started to drop the weight. First the young, clingy boyfriend. Then the pounds. I was feeling good about myself again.
I seemed to have found myself that year. I think I was 27, going on 28 right about then. I had finally taken a really good look into myself and asked myself why I ended up in these unhealthy relationships, and why I let them happen. I learned quite a bit about myself and did a lot of healing from a past that I finally couldn't hide from anymore. I realized that the abuse that I had been administered by a step-father, from the time that I was 4 - 6 years old, that I was letting my step-father affect me still to this day. It was scary facing all those emotions and feeling again. But I did. I still continue to grow from all of that, learning more and more as the years pass.
After the clingy boy toy, I was with a some others. A few of them guys and the other a woman. I've always been a firm believer that the grass is green on both sides of the fence. I don't mix the two together though. Those are two separate feelings and emotions. I don't have the desire to mix the two together, that is just asking for trouble, in my opinion.
After Natalie, well more like during the time I was with Natalie, I fell in love with a guy. I denied it for the longest time, even Natalie had accused me of being in love him. But I denied it fervently. It wasn't until I switched jobs to a totally different company that I realized that, yes, I was in love with him. See, I worked with him, I was his boss. But we became fast friends. He knew all about Natalie and I. Hell, he knew about all my "relationships". There wasn't anything I wouldn't tell him. I loved talking to him and telling him everything, he didn't judge me. Then we just faced the truth, we both were in love with each other. So we decided to finally do something about it. I would fall in love with over and over again. I thought for sure that this was "the one". I just knew it. This was the guy I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. Married or not. (I'd already done that, I sure as hell was not going to pressure anybody else into it.)
That was 4 years go this past March. A week before our 3 year anniversary, he got scared. Realized that he really did love me and realized that I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And breaks it off with me. ??? Did I miss something here?! I must have. Umm, okay.
Since then he has come back to me 3 times. Yea, you heard me, 3 times. I told him this last time though that this was it. Three strikes and you are fucking outta here buddy! Game over! He said, "Three times a charm." Yeah. Right.
Well, the game is over. It's amazing how 14 months can make the 3 years prior like it was nothing. Never even existed. He's not the same guy I fell in love with. He's trying to disconnect him from any kind of emotions. It's a shame really. I know, I've been there. It took me until I was 27-28 to figure that one out. He was the first guy that I actually let in completely. Too bad he couldn't do the same. So I finally forced him to make a decision. If he wouldn't, I would have. I finally realized that I was no longer in love with him. He gave me no reasons to fall in love with him again. He gave me just that, nothing. I do still love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. But I'm just not in love with him anymore, if that makes sense. A lot of people don't understand that.
So, it's now going on a month since I've let go of him. I miss him terribly. I miss the guy I fell in love with. I miss the guy who could always make me laugh, who could always make me feel better when life seemed to be throwing me curve balls. I miss the guy who helped me to be a little less stressed over things that you just have no control over. That what you see as being totally fucked up beyond recognition is really not all that you've made it out to be. He taught me how to relax a little. I still don't know the complete meaning of relax, but I have learned to relax a little bit more than I've ever been able to.
And after not smoking for 4 years I started back up again just before the new year! Well, it helps me be a little less stressed and not wanting to do nothing but shove food in my face. It helps when I am feeling very depressed. Which has been a lot in the past 14 months.
So I guess what I have found is...
I feel too much. I love too much. I hurt too much. And now I smoke too much.
It's a slow process right now, but I am beginning to find myself again amongst all the debris. I have to keep picking myself up and dusting me off. But I think I am still in there underneath it all. I just gotta have patience. That's one virture I've yet to learn fully! I think he was trying to teach me that too, but I just ran out of it.
"How can you get very far, If you don't know Who You Are? How can you do what you ought, If you don't know What You've Got? And if you don't know Which To Do, Of all the things in front of you, Then what you'll have when you are through, Is just a mess without a clue, Of all the best that can come true, If you know What and Which and Who."
-Pooh Bear
I met him when I was 18, the second guy I'd ever had sex with. My first was his best friend, that was how I met him. BUT, I had known his brother since I was 16. I'd just never met him through his brother. One would live with the dad and other would live with the grandma (while the sister lived with the mom). It was through the brother that I had met my first rumble tumble. Then I met my ex-husband to be.
After that it took me a long time to see the unhealthy relationship that I was in after the ex-hubby. He was younger, I was just looking for a little fun. A little boy toy action, nothing more. I mean com'mon, I had just ended a very dysfunctional relationship with the ex. I was still mending all the mental damage I let the bastard do to me and the weight he helped me put on. I was trying to get back the "me" that I was before I let the ex abuse me with his words. I just wanted to have fun and feel good about myself again. Damnit, would ya know! I found a clinger. I let him cling on for probably for a good 4 years. 4 years! What in the hell is wrong with me!? I was so unhappy that I gained so much weight, I was at the heaviest I'd ever been. I never "noticed" because he never said anything about it. I finally noticed just how much weight I did gain when a friend of mine showed me a picture that she took of me. I hate to have my picture taken at all costs anyway as it is. That she had taken one of me in the first place irked me. Then to see this, this big, fat stranger staring back at me hit me like a ton of bricks. Made me feel like I weighed like ton of bricks too. Soon after, I started to drop the weight. First the young, clingy boyfriend. Then the pounds. I was feeling good about myself again.
I seemed to have found myself that year. I think I was 27, going on 28 right about then. I had finally taken a really good look into myself and asked myself why I ended up in these unhealthy relationships, and why I let them happen. I learned quite a bit about myself and did a lot of healing from a past that I finally couldn't hide from anymore. I realized that the abuse that I had been administered by a step-father, from the time that I was 4 - 6 years old, that I was letting my step-father affect me still to this day. It was scary facing all those emotions and feeling again. But I did. I still continue to grow from all of that, learning more and more as the years pass.
After the clingy boy toy, I was with a some others. A few of them guys and the other a woman. I've always been a firm believer that the grass is green on both sides of the fence. I don't mix the two together though. Those are two separate feelings and emotions. I don't have the desire to mix the two together, that is just asking for trouble, in my opinion.
After Natalie, well more like during the time I was with Natalie, I fell in love with a guy. I denied it for the longest time, even Natalie had accused me of being in love him. But I denied it fervently. It wasn't until I switched jobs to a totally different company that I realized that, yes, I was in love with him. See, I worked with him, I was his boss. But we became fast friends. He knew all about Natalie and I. Hell, he knew about all my "relationships". There wasn't anything I wouldn't tell him. I loved talking to him and telling him everything, he didn't judge me. Then we just faced the truth, we both were in love with each other. So we decided to finally do something about it. I would fall in love with over and over again. I thought for sure that this was "the one". I just knew it. This was the guy I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. Married or not. (I'd already done that, I sure as hell was not going to pressure anybody else into it.)
That was 4 years go this past March. A week before our 3 year anniversary, he got scared. Realized that he really did love me and realized that I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And breaks it off with me. ??? Did I miss something here?! I must have. Umm, okay.
Since then he has come back to me 3 times. Yea, you heard me, 3 times. I told him this last time though that this was it. Three strikes and you are fucking outta here buddy! Game over! He said, "Three times a charm." Yeah. Right.
Well, the game is over. It's amazing how 14 months can make the 3 years prior like it was nothing. Never even existed. He's not the same guy I fell in love with. He's trying to disconnect him from any kind of emotions. It's a shame really. I know, I've been there. It took me until I was 27-28 to figure that one out. He was the first guy that I actually let in completely. Too bad he couldn't do the same. So I finally forced him to make a decision. If he wouldn't, I would have. I finally realized that I was no longer in love with him. He gave me no reasons to fall in love with him again. He gave me just that, nothing. I do still love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. But I'm just not in love with him anymore, if that makes sense. A lot of people don't understand that.
So, it's now going on a month since I've let go of him. I miss him terribly. I miss the guy I fell in love with. I miss the guy who could always make me laugh, who could always make me feel better when life seemed to be throwing me curve balls. I miss the guy who helped me to be a little less stressed over things that you just have no control over. That what you see as being totally fucked up beyond recognition is really not all that you've made it out to be. He taught me how to relax a little. I still don't know the complete meaning of relax, but I have learned to relax a little bit more than I've ever been able to.
And after not smoking for 4 years I started back up again just before the new year! Well, it helps me be a little less stressed and not wanting to do nothing but shove food in my face. It helps when I am feeling very depressed. Which has been a lot in the past 14 months.
So I guess what I have found is...
I feel too much. I love too much. I hurt too much. And now I smoke too much.
It's a slow process right now, but I am beginning to find myself again amongst all the debris. I have to keep picking myself up and dusting me off. But I think I am still in there underneath it all. I just gotta have patience. That's one virture I've yet to learn fully! I think he was trying to teach me that too, but I just ran out of it.
"How can you get very far, If you don't know Who You Are? How can you do what you ought, If you don't know What You've Got? And if you don't know Which To Do, Of all the things in front of you, Then what you'll have when you are through, Is just a mess without a clue, Of all the best that can come true, If you know What and Which and Who."
-Pooh Bear
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