Preparing for the inevitable.

My Grammy is not doing well. She’s not drinking or eating. Her white blood cells are high. They have run a whole bunch of tests, but they can’t figure it out. She has a mass in her abdomen that they found a year ago. If I remember though, my grandma didn’t want them to do a biopsy. The doctors think that it may be cancerous, which is probably the reason for the high white blood cells. They can’t operate on her as she is now in an inoperable condition.

I don’t even know if my mom has written to my uncle, letting him know what is going on with grandma. I know I sure in the hell don’t want to be the one to break it to him. We’re calling family members. If they want to see her, they need to do it soon. My mom has given the authorization to stop any more tests and to just give her general medical care.

I drove over to the hospital to see her. I don’t even think she knew it was me. She did look up at me and told me, “Don’t look so sad.” Then she just closed her eyes again. My mom says she’s been getting my brother confused with my uncle, going on about how he is with some girl and is in a lot of trouble. She finally had to just tell my grandma that he is no longer with the girl and that everything is fine.

I couldn’t just sit there and look at my Grammy lying in that bed. To watch how labored her breathing has become. I don’t want to remember my grandma this way. It hurt too much seeing her there. I couldn’t stop crying. I had to leave.

I called Mr. Love. I needed someone to talk to and he was the first person that popped into my mind to call. I needed to hear the comfort of his voice. Now I just need to find a way to ease the sadness in my heart. I was too young when my uncle Sandy passed away, I just knew that he had went away and was never coming back. My grandma is a first for me, to be losing someone so close. She’s is letting go, I can see that. Only I’m not ready to let her go yet.