My Inner Freud

I haven’t seen my ex, Mr. Love, since July of last year at the wedding of some mutual friends. I haven’t talked to him since October, just before he cancelled his cell phone service. Yet that doesn’t seem to stop me from still seeing him in my dreams. Although the dreams about him have been less and less frequent. What it doesn’t stop, though, is how I feel after I wake up. Any dreams I have about him resonate in me, upon waking up, and last for the rest of the damn day. Quite unnerving, really.

It has been, what, almost 2 years now since we have completely broken up. Three years really if you count the year before that when we tried mending what was left of our relationship. You’d think by now I’d be over him, or at least my feelings for him. Then maybe the dreams wouldn’t be so bad after waking from them. Then again, maybe because the dreams are so infrequent now that when I do have them they catch me off guard. Which is just like him, the fucker.

Last night’s dream started off pretty much as they typically do with him, with me showing up at a house where we both have as mutual friends. It’s a party with all the regular friends, getting drunk and just having a good time. Although they partied so hard this time in the dream, that they literally brought the house down all around them. The house was just a foundation of rubble and everyone still standing in the middle of it all partying like nothing happened. Yeah, I dunno. Weird.

Only this time with Mr. Love there was a bit of a twist. In the dream he had moved away and had come back to the party because he knew I’d be there. He was back to come and get me. He was telling me that he had to set himself up and his seaside business going before he could come and get me back. He kept saying how he moved to the beach in Sacramento and set up his ocean business.

I can remember the who time he’s telling me this that there is no damn beach in Sacramento and that there was no way in hell he could set up an ocean side business since there was no ocean in Sacramento. He was so adamant that it was Sacramento; I even kept trying to tell him that was impossible.

He was trying so hard to convince me to come with him, to be with him, live with him there. I finally asked him what made him think that I even wanted to move to Sacramento, what made him think that I’d give up my plans to just up and move to be with him. He had this look of confusion on his face, like why would I even think of not wanting to be with him. Then the dream ended with the confusion and a hurt look on his face.

I heard through the grapevine that Mr. Love was thinking of moving to San Diego, which I can understand why I had him moved in my dream. What I don’t understand is why in the dream I made him so intent that it was Sacramento. Especially since I was so stuck on that, him saying Sacramento, that I kept thinking that he had to have had it confused with San Diego. I even think I said that to him in the dream, but I’m not entirely sure.

What I do remember the most from the dream though are the feelings, the emotions. The way he felt emotionally, kissing me, telling me how much he still loved me, so sure that I’d leave to be with him… The way he made me feel, when he kissed me, telling me how much he loved and missed me...

It doesn’t take a psychologist to analyze that particular part of the dream, the true meaning behind it. I’d be a big fat liar if I said a part of me didn’t want him back, because yeah, a part of me would. Which I know is why I had him feel those emotions so intensely in the dream. But realistically, in the here and now, I know that what we had, whatever it was, is gone. There have been times when I had myself convinced that he never really loved me and times when I believed in my heart of hearts that he still loved me and would want me back some day.

I know, I know. Hopeless! Pathetic even.

I don’t live in this fairytale world, really I don’t. I’m much too sensible for that. I know that what once was, is no longer. I’d be a fool to think otherwise. I do believe that the love we had was genuine but I have since let go of the idea of me and him a long time ago.

It just sucks, when out of the blue, I have my self conscience reminding me that even though as much as I keep telling my heart that I’m over him...that really, I’m not.


“If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t.” ~ Lewis Carroll: Through the Looking Glass