Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.

Somehow I just never imagined I'd be where I am now. Almost 37, having already been married and divorced all by the time I was 23. I'm a high school drop out, at the age of 15, that has been really fortunate to attain a job that I actually love doing, without having the 'proper' education to get me there. My smarts has given be the ability to be a fast learner, with a thirst for always wanting to learn new things.

All I wanted was to be married to a man who I knew loved me and who would be one of my best friends, and not be a lying, cheating, abusive, alcoholic, drug addled asshole. I wanted to have a least one child, preferably a girl, although a little boy would be nice too. This I wanted to achieve by the time I was 30. I guess you can say I have an old fashion view on family. Seeing as I never knew my father, I want to be able to give my child more than what I had. I want my child to be able to be a child, have a mother and father that will always be there for him/her, and see that two people can be together and really love one another. Other wise I would have already gotten pregnant by now and had a child anyway, on my own. I just want more than that and I want my child to have more than that.

I just can't seem to find that 'right' guy who wants the same things as me. I thought I found him with this last one. But apparently he didn't 'plan' on falling in love with me and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. And when it happened, it scared him. Yea, I seem to have a tendency of scaring guys, a lot. I just end up scaring them away. It's making me start to get the felling that I am just more than any man can handle. Or maybe I'm just too much of a bitch. (How is it that strong, out spoken women are regarded as bitches, or if you seem too much 'like a man', a dyke, by both male and females?!)

Yet, I don't regret all that I have been through or done, or whom I have been with. I've learned a lot from all that I have known before I should have known, learned from the mistakes that I have made. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change any of it. I wouldn't have met the people that I have, nor been touched by them, in one way or another. Each person I have been been with, been friends with, or even just acquaintances with, all have given me pieces of what I needed learn and grow from. I know too many people out there that don't learn from what they have been shown, and make all the same mistakes over and over again. As sad as I think my life is, I know that there is someone else out there who's life is a lot worse than mine. I'm fortunate not to have ended up with a handful of kids, all by different fathers, with no job, homeless, hooked on drugs and living off of welfare. No, I'm doing okay...

My life has a superb cast, I just can't figure out the plot.