An apology is the superglue of life, it can repair anything.

In this case, I wish that were true.

For over a year now I’ve wanted to contact one of my ex-boyfriends.  I have mentioned him before in one of my posts, as The Clinger.  Friday night as I was on my way home from working out, the urge to contact him was really strong.  So strong that I was down the street from my house when I suddenly flipped a bitch in the middle of the block and headed to a place where I was sure I’d be able to track down his phone number.  Within a half hour to 45 minutes I was headed back home with his cell phone number.

Now why in the hell would I want to contact an ex after all these years?  Well, a lot has happened to me since he and I were together.  One of them being, having had fallen in love and had my heart shattered within the last year and a half or so.  So why the big deal?  Because I know that I had broken his heart.  I just felt that it was time to make amends with him.  Not just for me, but for him too.  I know that he has made mention of me and has held onto a lot of our past.  And 5 years ago we had ‘hooked’ up again, but it was just that, a hook up.  Or at least he fooled me into believing before I stopped it, and that ended quite bad too.  I wanted to help him let go of that.

When we were together I treated him with total disregard, towards his feelings, though not intentionally.  The person that I was back then wouldn’t allow me to be emotionally intimate with anyone, nor how to make a relationship work.  We were beginning to argue too much, but the arguments developed when I would refuse to talk to him about anything.  The more he pushed me, the harder I pushed him, away.  My emotions were something that I kept to myself and would not express freely, especially if it had to do with me opening up in any kind of way.  Certain emotions to me were a weakness.  I could show you love, but couldn’t express it in the right way.

Since then, I have opened up a door that I kept shut for too long, about 28 years.  I had a lot of demons that I had to face and over come.  Some of those demons are still there, but I know that they are there and when they rear their ugly heads I now know how to calm them down somewhat.  I have also learned how to open up more and talk about things that I normally would have just pushed away.  You know, the ole ‘if you just forget about them, they will eventually just go away’ syndrome.  I now know that you can’t do that.  They will always still be there and rear their ugly heads because they really haven’t gone away at all.

So, now I’ve got his cell phone number.  I get home and I call him.  Since I knew that he would not recognize my number when it viewed, I knew his voice mail would eventually kick on.  I left him a message to call me along with my cell phone number.  He calls back within 5 minutes.  I knew the minute that I heard his voice that something wrong with him.  After all these years, I could still read him and just knew that something was not right.  He mentions that I was the last person he ever thought would be calling him, I tell him that I called to see how he’s been.  

Well, I was not ready to hear what he was about to tell me, but it totally made sense from how I knew that something wasn’t right with him.  Turns out that he has developed something that I knew his mom suffered from.  He sounded so bad to me because he was heavily medicated.   He is suffering from severe depression, on top of severe panic/anxiety attacks.  It had started with a panic attack while he was on his way to work back in 2004.  The panic attacks then caused his depression to develop.  He’s been out of work since July of 2004 and has since been placed in a few psychiatric institutions quite a few times.  

As I was talking with him I honestly began to feel for him.  I feel so bad for him.  What he has been going through is no way to live.  Being so heavily medicated that he can’t remember one conversation from the next, and just not being able to function period.  He has basically been living the life as a hermit since any kind of social setting is unsettling for him, hardly leaving his house except for doctor appointments.  What kind of life is that!?  Hell, truth be told, I’d want to commit suicide too if I felt the way he does and don’t blame him one bit for feeling that way.  To be so depressed that you feel like there is no end in sight to it.  I couldn’t even imagine!

I went to see him yesterday and I could tell that me being there was a real strain for him.  I asked him all kinds of questions on what he was going through right now so I could understand more what he was going through.  We did talk some about our relationship too.  However, I doubt that he will be able to remember any of the conversation that we had, since he can’t remember anything too well these days.  

I did tell him that if there is ever a time that he needs to talk to anyone that he can call me anytime.  Whether it be 3 in the morning or not.  I doubt that he will take me up on my word.  I will be calling him once a week though to see how he is doing.

What makes me so upset about the situation that he is in, is why has it gone on for so fucking long?!  It seems to me that he is not getting the help that he needs, he’s not getting any better.  I know I can’t just go butting in after all these years and try to get him on the right track back.  He has an ex-girlfriend that has remained a good friend and is being there for him.  I just wish I knew a way that I could help him without over stepping my bounds, you know.  Yet, I have no right to even try and come back into his life at this point right now either, even if it is just as a friend.  But I am not the heartless bitch that everyone seems to think that I am either.  I genuinely care about his well being.